


XXII. Meet My Friends

by BubblyWashingMachine



Series: Every Little Hurt Counts [febuwhump 2021] [22]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Banter, Burns, Comedy, Domestic Fluff, FebuWhump2021, Febuwhump, Fluff, Gen, Ghosts, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, No Romance, POV Klaus Hargreeves, Past Murder, Past Violence, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Sobriety, because klaus, febuwhumpday22, in the past, prompt is burned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29630994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BubblyWashingMachine/pseuds/BubblyWashingMachine
Summary: It’s not that Klaus doesn’t like spending time with Five – he does! The old man is fun to rile up, for sure.It's just that Klaus is trying out the whole sobriety schtick once again, largely at the insistence of Diego ‘my body is a temple’ Hargreeves, because hey – he’s done it before, he can do it again, right?But with sobriety comes dead people. And where little Number Five goes, a whole lot of dead people tend to follow....Set after season two, with no Sparrows. At the Luther-mandated weekly Hargreeves movie night, Klaus struggles to concentrate on the film. This is largely in part due to the HUNDREDS of ghosts that his siblings have accumulated over the years - like the world's lamest Pokémon - screaming at the top of their metaphorical lungs, all crammed into one room. Throw in some misguidedly concerned siblings and one frustrated medium, and you have a big old melting pot for trouble.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Every Little Hurt Counts [febuwhump 2021] [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137428
Comments: 24
Kudos: 224





	XXII. Meet My Friends

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote from klaus' POV again and u know what? it wasn't so bad!
> 
> I am tired. But writing Hargreeves banter is always fun. this fic can be seen to take place in the same universe as a couple of my other ones for febuwhump, uhhh The Sacrifice Play, and Old Habits, and probably You Dress Up for Armageddon?? they all take place in a vaguely post-season 2 AU with no sparrows, Ben's still hanging around as a ghost, and the mansion is still standing. It doesn't really matter but, just in case you wanted to know!
> 
> This is actually really cute and I made MYSELF laugh while writing the ghosts. i know some people think klaus can banish ghosts but i honestly can't remember if he ever does that?? so instead he just. asserts himself with the power of words i guess ghsghfhf
> 
> enjoy!

First of all, before anyone gets the wrong idea, one thing has to be made clear:

It’s not that Klaus doesn’t _like_ spending time with Five – he does!

Well, the old man can be cranky and unpleasant at times, most times, but it _is_ fun riling him up and watching him flounder to try and figure out what percentage of the things Klaus is spouting is utter bullshit. It’s usually around seventy-per-cent.

The _thing_ is, the actual thing this time, is that Klaus is trying out the whole sobriety schtick again, largely at the insistence of Diego ‘my body is a temple’ Hargreeves and Allison ‘hypocrite’ Hargreeves, because hey – he’s done it before, he can do it again, right?

But with sobriety comes dead people. And, by extension, where _Five_ goes, a whole lot of dead people follow. An occupational hazard in his line of work – well, he’s retired now, or something. And he tries not to hold it against his tiniest bro _too_ much, partially because Ben might actually cry if he did, so no, he hasn’t gone around and told anyone, which is incredibly selfless and considerate, in his opinion.

Hence why Klaus finds it slightly hard to concentrate on whatever movie Allison picked out for this evening’s ‘weekly family dinner, movie night and sleepover’ at the Academy.

For them, in their adorable little bubbles of ignorant bliss, there are seven people piled into the room on a mountain of cushions and blankets and sipping Vanya’s awful watery hot chocolate; Five, Vanya, Allison, Diego, Luther, Klaus, the ghost of Ben. Mom wanted to be here, but said that horror movies weren’t really her thing.

For Klaus, there are – approximately – seven million people crammed into this slumber party, most of them screaming at the top of their lungs.

In front of the old TV, Five sits dispassionately, paying no attention to the movie, but obviously also not willing to leave. He munches on popcorn when Luther passes him the bowl while a ghost to his left shrieks in his face.

_“I had a family!”_ He says furiously, the hole in the side of his head gaping. _“Was it worth it, kid? Huh?!”_

Another victim, a woman sitting to Five’s right, gurgles, blood streaming down her chin, her expression one of resentment.

Klaus risks a glance at the TV – there’s a ghost child obscuring the screen as it is transfixed watching the movie, its body completely burned to a crisp, the skin permanently smoking. Klaus has seen a lot of shit, but this almost makes him gag.

Ben shoots Klaus a look that clearly says, _don’t you dare._

Klaus covers his eyes with a hand and groans, sliding down further into the couch cushions.

“Oh my God,” Allison squeals. She is someone who constantly talks her way through a movie. “I did not see that coming. Klaus? Klaus? Are you even watching?”

“I’m just finding it a tad hard to hear,” he mutters, squishing his face with his hand.

“I’ll turn up the volume,” she says, and starts wrestling Diego for the remote.

_“You bastard!”_ A woman screams. _“You monster!”_

_“AAHHHHHH!”_ Says someone else, very eloquently.

Klaus covers his ears as subtly as he can.

“Klaus,” Diego snaps, as quietly as he can without disturbing the other siblings, and he leans over Allison to frown. “Look, man, can you at least _pretend_ you’re checked in?”

“I’m checked in,” he says.

“You’re not even looking,” Allison says, disapprovingly. “Klaus.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t _see_ the screen,” Klaus hisses. “There’s a _melted child_ blocking the view.”

Allison startles. _“_ What?”

_“AAAaaaahhhhhh,”_ someone moans.

_“Klaus! You promised,”_ Ben says sharply, staunchly ignoring the moaning ghost. _“You can’t tell him. The guilt will eat him alive.”_

He scowls. “Tough. _I’m_ the one being eaten alive here.”

“Shut up!” Diego says. “I wanna know what happens.”

Allison holds up a hand. “Um, I’m _sorry,_ can we backtrack to the melted child—"

“You wanted me sober, didn’t you?” Klaus flashes his teeth. “This is me sober.”

_“AAAAAAHHHHHHAARRGHGHAGHHGHGAHHHGHHHHRRHHH,”_ warbles the woman. Klaus rolls his eyes back. He is being tested.

Luther, sitting on the floor, turns around and frowns. “Guys, can you be quiet?”

Klaus laughs. “You’re one to talk, mister.” He points at one of Luther’s ghosts perched on the arm of the couch, a very floppy bank robber with multiple broken bones, who is permanently in a state of weeping confusion. “Shush, already.” Luther looks mildly hurt.

“Klaus, come on,” Diego says. “What’s _wrong_?”

“Nothing’s _wrong_ ,” Klaus says, flailing. “This is the natural state of the world!”

In response, the gurgling woman nods at him and says, _“Gughhghulllhhphhuuguhh.”_

“Thanks for the input,” Klaus says. “Really insightful.”

“What the hell is going on back there?” Five twists around from his cushion on the floor, eyes narrowed. From beside him, Vanya looks up from the forgotten screen with wide eyes. “Klaus? Are you being possessed again?”

_“Shut up, murderer!”_

“Possessed with the urge to leave,” Klaus mutters.

“We’re doing family bonding,” Luther says. “It’s important.”

_“How could you? How could you? Monsters! All of you!”_

_“I HATE YOU!”_

_“Help, help, help me…”_

“I think I’ve done enough bonding for today,” Klaus says, scrambling to his feet, only for Allison to grab his sleeve and pull him back down to the couch with an _oof._

“Oh, no you don’t,” she says. “We’re working this out.”

Diego leans forward, concern written all over his stupid face. “Are you on something?”

“I wish.”

“It’s okay if you are, little step—"

_“Can’t you just lie?”_ Ben says, a little desperately. _“Make up something!”_

“You’re not the boss of me,” Klaus tells him.

_“It hurts! God! IT HURTS! SOMEONE HELP!”_

_“You deserve to die! All of you!”_

Diego frowns. “I’m just trying to help you, bro, we all just care—”

_“GUHUHGHUHRGHGHH!”_

“It’s just a little _crowded_ in here!” Klaus throws his palms up. “Alright?”

“Oh, shit,” Vanya understands immediately, the others a little slower.

“What?” Diego says.

_“IT HURTS!”_

_“God… oh God…”_

_“MONSTERS!”_

“Can everyone PLEASE just _SHUT THE FUCK UP_?” Klaus shrieks, lurching up and throwing his arms out.

A pause. Blissful, wonderous, shocked silence.

In a slightly more reasonable tone, able to hear himself think for the first time in weeks, Klaus says, “If you’re not going to _behave_ , then _leave_! Go away!”

The crowd stares at him – at least the ones who have eyes, do. The man with a hole for a head’s mouth hangs open. _“What?”_

“You heard me!” Klaus snaps, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Are you going to shut your face and sit there or not? Because we are _trying_ to watch a movie here.”

_“But he killed me.”_ The ghost glares at Five, who is looking at Klaus with a closed-off expression. _“Brutally.”_

Klaus puts his hands on his hips. “Oh yeah? When?”

_“1971.”_

“Oh my God – get over it already! It’s been almost fifty years!” Klaus takes a step forward, kicking a blanket in the ghost’s direction angrily. Vanya ducks out of the way. “Find something better to do with your time instead of sitting around and screaming your head off! Get a _goddamn_ hobby or something!”

_“He’s right,”_ Ben says. _“You’re a pack of morons.”_

“What the hell is happening?” Diego whispers. Allison shakes her head in bemusement.

“Let him have his moment,” she says.

_“I want justice!”_ A woman yells. _“I won’t rest until he’s dead!”_

“Well, lady, if you hadn’t noticed, you’re going to be waiting a _long-ass time_ ,” Klaus says. “Look at him! He’s practically still in the womb!”

Five’s jaw clenches.

_“I guess that didn’t occur to me,”_ she admits after a second, having the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“And you!” Klaus says, whirling around and jabbing a finger into the chest of the boneless robber. “You got murdered by a fourteen-year-old! Big deal! We’ve all been there! Time to move on, buddy!”

_“But you guys are so weird,”_ the ghost sobs. _“It’s really entertaining.”_

“Chop chop!” Klaus shouts.

Luther frowns. “What’s happening?”

Klaus clambers up onto the arm of the couch and stands there, arms spread wide, addressing the thick mob who gaze up at him like he’s about to start preaching - or crowd-surfing. “From now on, you assholes either find a more _productive_ way to spend your afterlife, _or_ you can bring your grievances to me during my office hours, which, if you didn’t know, are noon until half past noon on Sundays! So start forming a line, fuckers!”

There is assorted muttering, ghosts glancing around like they’re just noticing their surroundings for the first time. To Klaus’ – and Ben’s – absolute delight, a good portion of them just get up and walk away, others simply fading out into non-existence. The ones who remain keep to themselves, murmuring, clearly frustrated, but no longer screaming. Klaus can definitely handle murmuring.

But one ghost is still sitting in front of the TV, and his stomach twists when he looks its way. The burned child.

Listen – Five did what he had to. Klaus has been there before, and he’s not about to judge someone for that – but, Jesus Christ. This child is mangled. Gender, age – it’s impossible to tell.

“Hey,” he says, staggering down from his perch and crawling to the TV, very aware of everyone watching him. “Yo. You gonna move on? See any light you can go into? Because you’re kinda blocking the screen.”

_“Klaus,”_ Ben says, sounding scandalized. Klaus waves a hand. He’s got this.

The child swivels its head toward him, blackened and boiling, eye sockets completely empty. Its mouth cracks open, and a nightmarish voice comes rasping out. _“It hurts.”_

“Yeah.” Klaus sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

_“I don’t know where I am,”_ it says.

“You’re at _my_ house. I think you got turned around, kid. Don’t you want to go home?”

_“My house burned down,” the child says, whimpering._

He winces. “Yeah, I kinda figured.”

_“My Mom – she wasn’t home. She must be wo-worrying about me. But I’m lost.”_

“Maybe she’s waiting for you. You never know.”

_“I miss her,”_ it moans. _“And my sister.”_

Klaus fidgets, feeling very uncomfortable. He usually prefers to ignore the ghosts – he doesn’t recall ever discussing feelings with one. He wonders how Zoya Popova is doing. “You should check out what’s on the other side. I bet they’re missing you too.”

_“But… I’m scared.”_ Impossible smoke rises from its eyes like a weird version of tears.

“Um, well, you can stay for a bit if you’re not ready,” Klaus says, glancing behind him at Ben, who shrugs. “Like, you can watch the movie with us if you want.”

It sniffles. _“Okay.”_

“Up you get, then,” he says, standing, very ready for this to be over. “Why don’t you sit next to me?”

_“I want to sit there,”_ it says, and carefully, on legs that crackle and pop, it stands and walks over to Five, and plops itself down beside him.

Five must be tracking where Klaus is looking, because he grimaces. “There better not be a ghost sitting next to me, Klaus.”

“Oh, put up with it,” Klaus says. “It’ll go into the light soon; won’t you…?”

_“Bethany,”_ it croaks.

“Bethany,” he repeats, gesturing. “See? It’s just _Bethany_. Bethany’s chill. We’re best friends now. Right?”

Bethany makes a wheezing noise that might be a perversion of a giggle.

“Ah,” Five says, looking away. The muscle in his jaw clenches. “Yes. Bethany.”

Vanya gently places her hand on his shoulder. Klaus, greatly restraining himself, chooses to not pull on that thread for once.

“Okay, well.” Letting out a huge breath, he turns and looks at Ben with wide eyes. Ben, looking thrilled, gives him a thumbs up. Exhilarated, Klaus sits back down heavily, and looks at his siblings with a grin. “So what were we watching?”

“Um, _The Sixth Sense_ ,” Vanya says, laughing quietly.

“Oh, I’ve seen that one,” Klaus says. “Spooky.”

“We need to re-wind it,” Diego says. “We just missed like a whole fifteen minutes.”

“You should be grateful!” Klaus says. “This is a real B-grade ghost movie happening _live_ , baby.”

“Whatever,” he grumbles.

“And! I got rid of the guy who’s been tailing your ass for like three years.”

“The _hell_?”

“Yeah. Tall, handsome, so many holes in him he could pass for a block of swiss cheese?”

“I know the guy,” Diego says, glowering.

“So you’re saying,” Allison says, while Luther tries to use his giant fingers to press the right buttons on the remote to re-wind, “That there are just ghosts following us around everywhere?”

“Only if you’re interesting,” he says, just to watch Diego preen.

“Um, Klaus? Do… I have any?” Vanya asks tensely.

He raises an eyebrow. “You really want to know?” He does _not_ acknowledge Harold Jenkins sulking in the corner, one bloody cavity where his eye used to be.

Vanya hesitates. “Um.”

“No,” says Five. “She does not.” And he sends Klaus a glare that expresses very clearly his feelings on the topic.

“I will not be sharing that information,” Klaus says wisely, “on threat of death.”

Vanya slouches, seeming slightly relieved. “Okay.”

“Ah ha!” Luther presses a button and the screen turns black. Diego groans loudly, covering his face.

“I think you just turned it off,” Allison says thoughtfully. “Here, should I—”

“—No, I’ve got it.”

“—Let me just—”

_“I’m proud of you,”_ Ben says warmly, and Klaus looks at him while the Hargreeves bicker beside him, still not as raucous as a hoard of enraged ghosts. _“Asserting yourself. It was really cool.”_

Klaus puts his hand over his heart. “Aw!”

Ben laughs, and finally Vanya grabs the remote and the movie starts playing again.

Klaus can finally actually make out what the characters are saying. And he happens to glance down where Five sits curled up next to Vanya – and the space next to him on the cushion is empty.

Bethany’s gone.

Good for her, Klaus thinks, and turns his attention back to the TV.

**Author's Note:**

> the hargreeves... good
> 
> See you tomorrow!!


End file.
